WoW Killed My Relationship By S_O on 04/13/06 4:11pm EST

About a week ago, I finally started playing a game called World of Warcraft. This game has a reputation for rendering people into a vice grip of profound addiction. I thought I might be different from everyone else, that my resolve was reinforced with a better mettle, and that I might "keep it under control". I was wrong. I wasn't, it wasn't, and I didn't. I am addicted, and it has placed a strain on the relationship I value more than any other, the one I have with my true soul mate and intimate life partner.

Michael Firman, won't you please come back to me?

WoW has a way of invigorating certain dire passions on either side. The advocates swear by it via arcane rituals that require liters of their own blood, usually in which to immerse fetal livestock. Opponents are a righteous bunch, one I may have once belonged to, who endorse a solution to the problem that involves nothing short of a white, cleansing fire. This is the schism which exists, and is the same one I have agitated with my seemingly innocuous gaming decision.

When Michael Firman heard I started playing WoW, he promptly went into a kind of elevated bitch mode. It was as if a bunch of robotic lions representing different facets of bitchiness all came together in outer space and formed a magnificent Voltron nightmare-bitch. My characteristically frisky instant messaging solicitations were met with sullen, petulant retorts. At one point he even blocked me, only to intermittently unblock me for a couple seconds at a time to send some variation on the message, "Dick."

Ok, granted, even though I got the game a week ago, and have only played the game once, and it kind of gave me a splitting headache, and I probably won't actually play again, both he and I are positive this constitutes an addiction, and it places us squarely in diametrically opposed quadrants. So powerful is his vitriol, he has mobilized an anti-WoW group for anyone with a mental illness that approaches the staggering crescendo of schizophrenia he exhibits. It's called the Pal Chum Amalgam.

I made a glib request to join his group, to be the Grand Chairman in fact, even knowing fully that this group embodied all horrors and stupidities which are purely antithetical to my awesomeness. He predictably refused, so I went ahead and made my own group. The group I assure you is entirely non-antithetical to my awesomeness, or any awesomeness for that matter, but it really exists only as a rebuttal to Firman's horseshit club. It's called the "WoW, you're mean." Power Team.

Now, yes, I know it sounds as if I am addressing WoW, and calling it mean. Surely even your birth defect-hobbled mind can grasp that the name is a rebuttal. So I am saying, "Wow, you're mean." to the Pal Chum Amalgam, as a mild rebuke towards its stuffy policies. I just so happen to be taking the liberty of wordplay, and changing the word "Wow" to "WoW", to make it clear that this dispute on some remote level has some iota of involvement with a video game called WoW. You know, in case that point got lost in the noisy shuffle caused by the flapping of Firman's petulant and heavily un-pantsed dick.

P.S. Please come back, Michael Firman, I need you.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Oh Look, the WoW-Baby is PWoWting. By Michael on 04/14/06 9:37pm EST

I'll admit that when I first had heard that S_O had become a WoWderpuff Girl, I wasn't as supportive as I could have been. We exchanged several words on the matter, most of them synonyms for "dick", and communications broke off so that we could regroup our bitter hatred in the form of inconsequential online cliques.

I consolidated with Betelgeuse, who was equally appalled by S_O's recent burrWoWing into the depths of that atrocious game I dare not give mention, and with a third member (our adept pilot, Bombardier) we formed our crusade. We became the Pal Chum Amalgam, which came first because I value originality and friendship. The "WoW, You're Mean." Power Team was S_O's response, which came second because he values copycattery and being a huge assrod. To this point there has been no actual front on which our rival organizations could do duel- certainly not within the realm of video games (hWoWever convenient it might have been), since the use of one was the cause of this dispute.

Because there is nothing to compare in regards to group interaction, we must ascertain this conflict's victor by analyzing how the different groups' members treated each other: group intraaction. The Pal Chum founding members each sport their own avatar,
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and each have full body illustrations plus the promise for some sort of future comic revealing the online Warcraft world as the mental-compost that we all assume it to be. So yeah, a bunch of pictures. Meanwhile S_O exploits the benefit of having only one other member in his "Power Team", and so showers her with TSOiled cereal boxes and an assortment of other goodies in what can only be described as a pretty decent surprise to find in the mail. So it would seem that the dastardly 'Power Team secured first prize in this contest, eh?

Totally wrong. This just proves that the "WoW You're Mean." Power Team is nothing more than a front, seeming like a rebuttal to the Amalgam whilst secretly enabling S_O and his in-game mistress to continue their spWoWsal relationship at liberty. I don't know why MMORPGs breed this sort of romance, perhaps those night elves are sexier than the blurry videos suggest them to be. Or maybe there's some kind of tax break in the game for married players, in which your orc doesn't have to pay as many silver GPs as one who remains a bachelorc. But it doesn't matter, because no matter the justification the truth of the matter remains unchanged:

Wooing in WoW means losing your pals.

P.S. I love you too Andrew, as soon as you give up this lWoWsy pursuit we can be chums again.

Time for a real comparison By S_O on 04/16/06 1:54am EST

Michael Firman seems to think I'll shrivel at having my involvement with WoW be compared to internet nerd-masturbation. He doesn't realize that just about everything I do is frequently and openly likened to masturbation, usually by me personally. He also likes to insert the word "WoW" into other words, in place of a similar phonetic syllable, without the slightest apparent cognizance that this is a form of verbal masturbation, and he is the sole beneficiary of whatever dubious pleasure the act yields.

But who cares about that. I believe a heavy gauntlet was thrown down, shattering the big toe of the sleeping ogre who guards the cave of "It's On Now, Motherfucker." So you think the Ho-Hum Amalgam is all that? Well there's a record in need of straightening. Needs more straightening than a slinky passing through a gay dude's colon. Yeah. That shit needs straightening.

Check out this banner for the PCA, drawn by Betelgeuse (lame PCA member). Does this look like a club that values fun and good friends to you? Fuck no. It looks like a club for losers, by losers, INSIDE a giant loser. I can't even imagine how boring their meetings must be. When the Chairman of the BORED wakes up from his nap long enough to pound his snooze gavel, this signals the moment when things get really crazy, and everyone bursts into a dizzying spell of chemically lobotomizing each other. The most outrageous thing that ever happened was when old man Wutherby who usually sits in the back was sipping his lentil shake through a straw when he accidentally blew a little bit and made small, slowly expanding bubble, and popped, barely audibly. This shocked Michael Firman so much that some demon possessed him for a second and he rashly motioned for grayer folding chairs. And when they're not being apocalyptically boring, they're probably plotting pure evil. Like shoveling kittens into the mouths of homeless infants. Seriously, fuck that.






Now the "WoW, you're mean." Power Team is completely different. This is an organization that is ALL ABOUT excellent cheer, great spirit, and robust friendships. The overwhelming good feelings simply pour from this banner I made, below. Why wouldn't anyone want to be part of this and enjoy excellent times and awesome feelings? I am a really swell, accessible leader who dispenses brutal magnanimity through a white-knuckled, taught-gloved fist. This is the kind of good time that I think playing WoW embodies. You'll note our handsome logo which features "W"s spiraling about a small "o" in homage to the game which is so deserving of our unwavering loyalty.



P.S. Anyway, good to have you back, Michael Firman. It's nice to be back to our "ordinary" squabbles, like who used whose shower cap. (if I catch you in my cap again, I will run your Yorkshire Terrier through the dishwasher.)

A clarification... By Betelgeuse on 04/16/06 2:02am EST

is in order here. See, the problem, S_O, is that you are far too busy playing WoW and being generally awful at fun and friendship to see what goes on at the Pal Chum Amalgam meetings. That's not to mention the fact that you have never even been invited to our secret superfun hideout meeting place. That Pal Chum Amalgam banner, which I lovingly imbued with the true spirit of friendship, happens to have been drawn directly from life. It is a snapshot of the kind of fun that takes place at the PCA meetings. It is also a snapshot of how good Michael is at breakdancing.

The first order of business at a PCA meeting is always to play a rousing game of Candyland or Pictionary, followed by a toast to the warmth of brotherhood with the most delicious jellybean shakes you'll ever try (Wutherby's own family recipe)! After a refreshing powernap, the puppies and kittens are brought out and, oh, the frolicking is not to be believed! Usually at this point, lavish (and often delicious) gifts wrapped in bright paper and topped with glittery bows are exchanged.

Good times and high fives are the only things mandatory at a Pal Chum Amalgam meeting!

Lucky for you, S_O, the PCA firmly believes in the good will building power of forgiveness. Once you decide to give up WoW and plead desperately for our forgiveness, we will consider accepting you once more with open arms.

Did someone say WoW? By Tauhid on 04/18/06 10:59am EST

I love World of Warcaft and I believe it to be more than a mere coincidence that the initials for the game spell the word WOW! Because that's how I feel when I play my Gnomish Warrior, Ang on the Gul'dan pvp server. WOW!!

For a time I can shed the troubles of the day and immerse myself in a fantastic world of Orcs, Elves and Dragon Magic!! With the mighty axe Kang The Decapitator and my Mithril plate armor I am a force to be recconned with. Judge me not by my size for the name Ang inspires fear in the deadliest of warlords and respect in the most valiant of knights!

Esso, have you taken up leather work or mining? Mining's tough but if you stick it out it can really pay off in the end game. Lots of people will pay good money for Archanite bars, trust me *wink*. Hey what class are you? I'm a warrior cus I like the irony of a tiny little powerhouse. You seem like a good support class type to me. Maybe a priest. They don't do much damage (unless you spec Shadow Priest then look out!! :shock: ) but in the end game you can't do anything without having one in your group. Gotta love those critical heals!!

Aw man this is so great that your are playing WoW now. What server are you on? if your not too high level maybe I can roll a toon on there too and we can go adventuring together!! I sure hope you've rolled an alliance character though, it'd be mighty hard for me to part with my gnomes... although I've never really played an undead character before and that might be fun. Man this is gonna be awesome! I can show you all the great places to hunt MOBS and farm gold for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours on end!! Do you have TeamSpeak or Ventrillo? Cus if not you better download those badboys. They'll let us talk to each other while we play. If you want we can even do a little roleplay... I mean I'm not really into that but, you know, if you want. I'd prefer to roleplay an alliance though cus that's what I've had the most practice with. I've even got my Gnome Warrior's back story all put together. It took me three months to come up with but it's pretty convincing. All my RP buddies seemed pretty impressed with it.

Hey look don't worry about these other jerks. Any time someone really, really, really, really likes something, someone always comes around to shit on it. Too bad it had to be your so-called friends this time. Bunch of Cock-handlers. Hey man just look me up on Gul'dan. We'll run some instances and maybe hit on some nightelf chicks. If we give them gp they'll dance in their underwear for us (that's as nekid as stupid Blizzard lets them get but you can kinda see what they look like without any gear on!)

Sincerely,
Ang the Destroyer.

... the FUCK?? By S_O on 04/23/06 4:35am EST

If ever there were a cause for the insipid practice of assigning oneself an action by enclosing a phrase "backs away slowly" in asterisks, this would be it.

*Backs away slowly*

Not only am I offended on a deeply spiritual level by your cheerful presumption of camaraderie, I'm just as offended you seem to have completely missed the point.

The "WoW, You're Mean." Power Team is not about WoW at all. It's about lot of stuff. Friendship. Good sportsmanship. Warmth and heartiness of brotherhood. Fond embraces. All kinds of fucked up shit. Plus, being disturbingly reminiscent of the Nazi party, but you're not supposed to talk about that. Anyone who mentions it is fired, and then gassed.

You know, I don't think anyone really "gets it". Not even those who are under the impression they are in this regime. This has nothing to do with WoW. I uninstalled that stupid game recently, to tell you the truth. I found it to be distracting from my ideals. My ambitions. You know what, Tauhid? You want to be in the club? Fine, you're in. Now you're fucking FIRED. Everyone's fired. Except me. This is the way it should be.

Here is the new WYMPT charter.

1) No WoW or discussion of WoW will be tolerated.
2) There is one and only one member, forever. Me.

Think I'm joking about this? I'm only getting started. This is a glimpse into my strategy for ultimate conquest. Notice the black areas spreading, which of course represent the ever-pervading forces of spirited good times and fraternal merriment. And as always, despite the pan-continental conquest, the population of my group remains, as ever, 1.

Wait I'm confused... By Tauhid on 04/24/06 7:23am EST

I'm already in an aweseome guild called "The Icecrown Legion". Our main tank has almost all purple (Epic) gear and we've got Onyxia on farm status! But thanks anyways :)

Is "WoW your mean" gonna run endgame raids or focus on PvP content? Just make sure you got healers cus nobody wants to be part of another warrior/rogue heavy guild. DPS is fine but if you can't recruit support classes then why waste your time, I say.

Ang