So who here likes to party? By S_O on 01/16/06 2:25pm EST

Consider this the effective christening of a side project HMS Gangbunch, a blog about awesome dudes, for awesome dudes, and by kids. Once someone told the kids to get the fuck out of here, we made sure to get some solid awesome dudes to replace them. Most christenings involve a bottle of expensive champagne, and the hull of a mighty galleon or something, which I don't have. Instead, I've cracked a small bottle of Pepto Bismol on the side of my bath tub. While I go get a mop, I'll let myself fill you in on the "deal" here.

This place is a blog for the members of Gangbunch, whose websites appear to the left. It's purpose is basically for a great bunch of guys to get together and discuss the important issues of the day, like how all-around unbelievably handsome we all are. I mean, Jesus, look at Tubesteak up there. It's like my eyes are swimming through a liquid ebony rapture. Oh yeah, amidst the roster of manly perfection is a girl or two. Hey, someone needs to serve the drinks! I kid, of course. We have robot butlers for that, thus freeing up the girls to sit quietly in the coat closet.

Anyway, on to the important affairs of the afternoon, aside from duly noting the dangerous allure of our manly physiques. I was talking with Michael Firman the other day about an interesting subject. Michael Firman said to me, "Hey, I have an interesting subject to discuss with you."

To which I replied, "I'm all ears, Michael Firman."

"Why do we have a sense of taste? What biological necessity does this really satisfy?" (I am paraphrasing to make him sound a little smarter than he usually does)

"That's not that interesting, Michael Firman. I can elevate this conversation to the level of "interesting" and beyond. I see I will have to shoulder this intellectual burden."

Michael Firman then said, "Oh, thank goodness. I was hoping you would."

"Michael Firman, consider. What if we had taste buds elsewhere on our bodies?"

"You mean, like..."

"Inside our rectums, exactly. Very good, Michael Firman."

The points which then unfolded through the dazzling architecture of my logic were loosely as follows. If we had taste buds in our asses, custom and convention would have long ago adapted to this condition, and we'd find it no stranger than we currently do having taste buds on our tongues. Tasting food as it passes through our mouths would be on the same plane of normalcy as would tasting shit as it passed through our anuses. Indeed, we'd come to expect it, and likely even savor the rich diversity of flavors produced by different types and qualities of feces as they glided slowly through our colons. Culturally, this might mean, when preparing feasts, we would consider the flavors of foods both coming in and going out. Maybe you're not a big peanut butter fan? In this universe, you may give it a second thought when considering the heavenly flavor which its excrement yields against your sphincter. Maybe there are other amenities, inconceivable to us now, yet delightful in this universe. For instance, shit-flavored lollypops designed for the derriere, along with small rear pants flaps for easy access.

"Your logic is pristine, to be sure. But does this mean that shit would taste good to us in our mouths? And what of normal food in our rectums?"

Of course not, Michael Firman. The whole thing isn't interchangeable, and the thought is repugnant. Just because these people have a slight genetic anomaly does not mean they will go about cramming dung in their faces and broccoli up their asses. Food, as in mouth-food, tastes good to mouth taste buds only. And shit, as in ass-shit, tastes good only to asses, in turn. The only reason ass-shit tastes good to asses is by biological necessity. That is where shit is channeled through constantly, and the mind becomes accustomed to those flavors, and then learns to anticipate them eagerly. Just like we have grown to enjoy the taste of food in our mouths out of biological habit. That's where food is constantly going, so it would behoove us greatly to enjoy the process if at all possible.

"Of course, I see now. What of fetishists? In this universe, would there be those who unnaturally enjoyed eating shit with their mouths and putting food up their asses?"

This is in the sphere of conceivability, Michael Firman. It's hard to say this behavior would be any more likely in the hypothetical universe than in our own. I suspect it would, since in that universe, shit is certainly treated as a palatable item, in a very specific context, whereas we believe it is wholly objectionable on every level. So yes, there are probably those who love the taste of shit in their rectums so much, they get "caught up" in the exploration of the exotic, and crave the substance in their mouths. This goes for gourmands of mouth-food, who may crave the sensations of Peking duck and eggs benedict up their bottoms. The fetishists are of 3 distinct types. Those who eat shit, those who put food in their asses, and those who do both.

"Hmm, fascinating. What about the people who are sexually attracted to those fetishists?"

Oh, Jesus Firman, I don't know. Call them whatever you want.

Something I think that is important to point out about Michael Firman's character is that when I first broached the philosophical avenue, he observed it was another mechanism by which someone can taste cock. And something to point out about my character is that I agreed with him.

As you can see, we are off to a rockin' start. I'm already working on my third beer. You guys can feel free to join in on any of the subjects already opened, which include:

1) Eating shit or food with your mouth or ass.

2) How fucking handsome we all are.

- S_O over and out.

Interesting. By Tauhid on 01/16/06 5:39pm EST

... But allow me to submit that much in the way that many gourmet establishments consider esthetics to be of grander importance, almost than actual mouth taste might some also keep the same at the forefront when considering ass food? Corn for example is suppremely disgusting in it undigestability but how lovely a turd it does produce. A meal of various and brightly colored corn and legumes might make for a quite a startling display upon reaching their final destination, am I wrong? Would we then put on display the fruit ouf our labors for all to enjoy. I think we would.

It's conceivable that one might even forsake mouth takes completely in favor of ass taste and esthetics much in the way that a belly full of Tacobell is simply divine going down but borders some kind of reverse, bull-raping coming out. I can see that in some of the seedier dives the hard working man would after a day of working hard, force down their throats some flavorless and (suspiciously poop looking) bran amalgamations in order to enjoy the shit of a lifetime at some later date. The later would be well worth the former in my opinion.

(we can put titles in the subject line, just FYI and stuff) By S_O on 01/16/06 6:14pm EST

Very true. Emphasis on presentation by culinary masters becomes paramount at the height of the craft. So I imagine at 5 star restaurants, great chefs take care to ensure a gorgeous, multicolored loaf making a shy debut from between your bare, hot towl-washed cheeks. Needless to say, there would be a general area for this "reverse dining", unlike our dining tables. It would probably be a clean, circular area on the floor of an ass-restaurant, perhaps tiled. Each person gets a silver platter or bowl to squat over as they experience the defecacy of delight. Bowls are probably garnished with fresh herbs, and ornate deodorizers. Naturally the last thing you want to be doing while taking your gorgeous dump is to be smelling it, because, well, it smells like shit. Your olfactory senses are tied into your sense of taste (mouth taste), and as we know, this does not jive with your ass taste. Fine ass-restaurants naturally would offer exquisite nose plugs for the experience.

For the really adventurous, the "a la carte" style of dining might be favored, like in Chinese restaurants. Once everyone has taken their crap, special sticks may be passed around so that the gourmet feces may be "reinserted" into the bottoms of other guests, so that the array of flavors may be shared. "Oh, before you zip up, do try the corn fritter and curried carrot shavings shit. Let me dip a stick for you."

I'll yield the floor to others before furthering what is turing out to be a scintillating discourse.

The platters would surely be the finest stainless steel. By Tauhid on 01/16/06 6:35pm EST

... But would the employees of the establishment be responsible for disposing of the refuse or would that still be up to the patrons? Pleaseing to the eye or not, a pile of someone else's shit is still a pile of someone else's shit. Of course were there a station in back for scouring the platters clean of the many and varied high class poopers I would feel much more inclined to dole out the outrageous tips that these kinds of places seem to feel entitled to.

Critical Complication By Michael on 01/17/06 6:59am EST

A "reverse dining" addition to the restaurant experience would not succeed, because no matter how accepted and familiarized public defecation could become, urine would still be an objectionable, tasteless, and messy complication to the process. The sphincter muscles of the anus are stronger than those of the urinary tract, and when one relaxes their external sphincter in the anus the pelvic muscles relax with it, consequently pulling open the urethral passageway leading to an involuntary flow of urine. That's why you sometimes peepee when you go poopoo.

Because of this dual expulsion of waste, only part of which is considered a palatable process in this hypothetical world, I think the act would remain chiefly private, just as it is with us now.

Also, the "a la carte" idea reveals a dangerous potential for addiction within this twisted scenario. Excrement does not get swallowed or digested (no getting full), it is a perpetually available method of stimulation as it can be reinserted, it does not cost money, and it requires no equipment beyond the human body in order to pleasure these butt-abiding taste buds. The risk of addiction would tragically and disgustingly afflict society as a significant portion of the population succumbed to the desire for constant anal taste bud stimulation.

On that note: Hi everybody, welcome to the Gangbunch.

See now... I disagree. By Tauhid on 01/17/06 10:21am EST

The introduction of urine as a distastful element has some merit. Especially when you consider the tendency for human beings to abhore other behaviors even when they are as disgusting as those they are presently committing in order to justify those presently commited. But If by some fluke of evolution we were to develope taste buds on the inside parts of our behinds, I have every reason to believe the same would be true of our peckers and peckees. I'm told that a strict diet of fruit juices can affect the smell (and I can only assume the flavor) of a human's urine.

Barring that I suppose colostomy bags could be used and thoroughly cleaned between customers. Very thoroughly cleaned.

I think we've covered all possible avenues of discussion on this particularly particular subject.

I'm sure andrew will surprise me.

I think there's some more unbruised dead horse over here By S_O on 01/17/06 1:24pm EST

All this is assumption-based. It's up to us to define whether the hypothetical model includes taste buds in both our rectums and urethras, or only in our rectums. To fully address Michael's point, I will assume the latter.

It would be a shame to let a good ass-dining go squandered just because you might have to take a little pee. I propose that a culture that values fine ass-dining as much as the one we've already suggested, they would find a palatable compromise. Colostomy bags are one idea. Another would be stylish assless diapers handed out with tongs by an attentive waiter.

Another thing to consider; what if pee tastes good to one's ass taste buds? Surely people in this universe would have tried it, putting 1 and 2 together (or more precisely, #1 and #2). I suspect there are a lot of similar elements in urine as there are in feces. Certain electrolytes, traces of bile, etc. Pee might actually turn out to be a nice drink for the ass. This would change everything. At ass-restaurants, guest's pee would be harnessed perhaps in attractive chalices, with special valved funnel designs for reinsertion. In more crude places, at the end of the meal you might just take off your assless diaper and wipe your ass with the used portion, for a little taste. And in more exotic places yet, you might be appointed a "pee buddy". Someone appointed to pee directly into your bottom when you crave a sip. This can either be well-tipped (double entendre) restaurant staff (another double entendre), or simply one of your dinner mates.

But ok, I'll take the bait and assume pee is not delicious to the ass, and that it might be a point of shame for these people. Let's evaluate some of the root sources of shame. In our universe, taking a dump in public is considered shameful ostensibly because we consider shit to be a repugnant substance, and we lament our involvement with it, necessary though it be. To our hypothetical dumpers, this principle may be mitigated with respect to pee, because of everyone's casual familiarity with expelling waste for recreational purposes. What might be more a source of shame for such people would be urination's close ties with the sexual organs, and exposing them would invoke some of our own prejudices about that matter. Why is public sexuality at its essence shameful to us? I don't know, and cracking the Freud books probably exceeds the scope of this conversation.

But the whole idea that people are overly guarded with the display of their genitals is kind of blown when you go into a men's restroom. Common sense dictates that when you pull up to a urinal, you handle your willy with discretion, minimizing its visibility to onlookers. There are all too many guys who flail it about in a pathological disregard for decent shame, while standing a good two feet from the urinal. Every restroom really needs an undercover agent with a tape measure who can "disqualify" sloppy users. Anybody over 3 feet gets the tazer.


I think we've scared off all the girls. In the hope of winning them back, I propose a topic-shift: ponies.

But in the event they haven't read this far due to morbid terror, we can keep talking about shit I guess. Or how good-looking we are. Michael, have you been working out???

I'll begin By Tauhid on 01/17/06 3:28pm EST

While it's obvious that we could kick this dead horse until there was a hole large enough to climb inside allowing us to use the carcass as a sheild against the elements (after we cleared out the balloonlike innards), I'll go ahead and move on to bigger and better things.

Someone mentioned personal beauty or to the layman "Hawtness".

I for one am so Hawt that if I had a nickel for every time I heard the words "you are hotter than anyone I know", in that order, I would easily be able to pay the hundereds of young "Mothers-to-be" for the stem cells that I seduced out of them using only said hawtness. Stem cells that will no doubt keep me in hawtness long past my illegid prime.

Michael. How hawt are you? Report.

I'm so hawt I make fire sweat. By Michael on 01/17/06 11:25pm EST

But I'm so cool the sweat freezes instantly.

Who else dares to compare their level of fairness with my own? Do share.

I’m 110° By S_O on 01/21/06 2:47pm EST

With a humidity index of "My Briefs are Luckier than a Leprechaun in Heat."

Let me tell you a little story. God in his omnipotence foresaw my birth, and beheld my resplendent beauty. Jealous prick that he is, He flew into a frothing rage at the thought that there was one more exquisite than He, so He sent down one of His most vicious warriors, Jesus Christ, to prevent my birth by any means possible. This was a full 2000 years into the past, just to be on the safe side. The story is a little like Terminator. Anyway, the Sara Connors of the time, the Jews, caught wind of the heinous plot. They knew their Messiah had not yet come, because He (Me) would be a hell of a lot more handsome than that gross vagabond Christ. So they got the Romans to put down the hammer (which was like the hydraulic press that killed the Terminator). The second coming of Christ is really just an eager anticipation of what would amount to Terminator 2: Judgment Day. What people don't know is I've already met the 2nd coming, when he was snooping around in the arcade asking people about me with my photo. He was NOT all that hot. I punctured his eye with my stiletto heel, then strangled him with one of my many heavily decorated leather chaps. So to summarize, I'm a pretty good lookin' guy.


Now that the topic appears to have drifted a safe distance from tasting shit in unspeakable (yet all-too-spoken) ways, perhaps I may now safely jettison this topic into the archives. This conversation may be forever accessed by clicking the corressponding item on the left, towards the top. (this)

Anyone else, once the conversational spirits have seized you again, may start a new topic about anything you fancy.